Wednesday, 30 September 2009

17 again...

No I lie 17 now for the first and last time!
My life is crazy yet hardly any of it is what i want. I find myself in a really rubbish frame of mind right now.

I feel like the blog is the window to my real life.
I really want to be properly acting again.
I need to be properly acting again

Instead of waffling i'm now going to write a play.

"Original idea by myself and the wonderful Charlie" The quote I will use when mentioning it in my biography obviously!

So to help me with this any "not so happy endings" that have happened to anyone i'd love to hear!

Share the unlove guys and I'l give you love back! LOL

You're story will be in a play.

OH YEAHH!! I want to do an festival and take this play so it has to be exciting!

LOVE x

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Corridor 27

Film making debut

Our school doesn't have great cameras so don't be too harsh!


Linzi Coulter, Laura Merryweather, Lewis Small and Hannah Warner

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Inspiration

Following the disaster that was yesterday I've found myself in a better mental position - probably because I had a good sleep! LOL
I am now going to embark on getting thy school shit out of the way - something I didn't do last weekend then full steam ahead on everything else I wanna do!
I'd write my to do list but writing a to do list everywhere just means it will never be done!

Short and snappy
Tis what I'm about these days!

Peace! x

Friday, 18 September 2009

I'm going in for the Kill...

Well I'm listening to La roux right now so i thought it'd be a good title.

i've had an okay day nothing overly exciting nothing overly rubbish. until about 2 hours ago I had an attack of the yr 9 me and I'm petrified I'm moving backwards and become a weirdo again.

I'm shit scared like never before I'm terrified I won't make it my horoscope said "around mid week you'll realise everything you've been working for recently isn't really want you want and you'll have a drastic change"
Basically I'm on this course now this is the path i've chosen for my life so fuck anyone who doubts me.
Fuck myself then yeah?

I'm too focused on the way out future for fear of living in the moment too much and getting stuck in a rut.
Professional stuff has come to a massive halt - the main reason I'm doubting myself.
I'm missing my determination right now and I don't know how to get it back!

"I'm going to be actor"
"yeah whatever"

The massive emphasis on the male form is driving me mad. I don't get what's wrong with me to be honest. I'm afraid of the C word. I don't want anything to be cute and all romantic. I don't want any of that shit. I want to have a laugh. I want to be acting not playing at it. that doesn't leave time for relationships.

I recently thought I'd found someone who really got how i think and felt the same way - turns out he's a dick too. Nowt was ever going to happen or anything but I was happy that it wasn't just me in the world who thinks never seeing the person you're with is great. he just thoguht it was great cos he could fuck as many girls as he wanted.
DICK

Reinforced that I'm not up for that way of life as of yet.

So as usual I find myself depressed on a friday night because my life is lacking in living and purpose.
Medway will be my downfall if I don't get out soon.
And i find myself being serenaded by the sound of my fucking mother screaming about fucking money yet again to my fucking dad. If my dad died my mum would still find something to scream at him for!

Want to get out! Want to get away! Want to get a life!
Need to get out! Need to get away! Need to get a life!
Will get out! Will get away! Will get a life!


I will stop doubting myself!




Thursday, 17 September 2009

Things I've Learnt of Late

  • I find public trasport extremely annoying
  • I want more out of life than I'm getting now
  • I don't know what I will do with the life I want once I have it
  • Constant boy dilemas piss me off
  • You never realise how much you missed someone until you get them back
  • Males never grow up they still think it's impressive to say"I shagged 2 girls are you jealous?"
  • I've begun to doubt myself more than ever before


The last poing about doubting myself more than ever has slowly enclosed me more than I could of ever expected.
I don't know why but I just feel like no one will ever see me for anything more than my age and where I live. In my head I'm none of these things and to be honest I don't look like one on the outside only when I'm asked for my age and I don't lie in their eyes you can see the shock then the slight air of patronisation.

I'm stuck in the middle too young for the adult world but too old for the childs world.

Today someone said to me "you're quite posh aren't you" I don't come from a particularly posh background my nans a huge snob if that counts but its not where you're from its where you'll end up that important. I use big words and people tend to zone out after I've spoke for a bit do I care? In my mind its a way of natural selection if they don't understand me then I can't be bothered to explain.

I find that when I'm at school I become very I need a backup plan and I need to think of other things. I tend to sway more to teaching when I'm at school to me though teaching is a cop out its for the people who didn't make it to the end, the ones who gave up. No disrespect to those who didn't quite make it or changed their mind or whatever but it's not me. I will not fail and I will not be a cop out! I will make it to the top of my game and I WILL be the fucking best!

i just confuse people slightly on the outside they see a teenager once they know me they see a middle aged person trapped inside this body. I'm not into trivial games that they play the going out getting drunk and spending the next week recovering just in time for the next one - It's not me!

There are certain people who just don't fit in I'm not sad to say that I'm one of them. Existing outside of societies rules and outside of the box! I just want to spend my life doing what I want and I accept that I don't completely have the knowhow to do it this second and I accept there is more to learn but back in the day you could learn on the job people were more willing to give the kid a chance - that doesnt happen anymore.
I heard a great story about a massive fashion designer hiring a homeless person for a 6 month internship - gave her a place to live and ultimately she because another big person in fashion - putting everything on the line for one person, just because.

I know that in hindsight I will probably look back on today and think why did I worry - or at least i hope I can, but i dont care.

Success is key, but right now I can't find the door!

Much love x

Monday, 14 September 2009

Mondays

Well the past week has been a wee bit crazy! I'm still speaking like a scot! LOL My attempt at the accent has still not improved! EPIC FAILURE AT IT lol.
School has been pretty cool awesome timetable of Media, Film Studies, Performance Studies and Acting - you may say wow they're extremely similar but fuck it!! I like it its what I want.

Deep down I'm petrified I won't make it. School makes me feel like this I'm not sure there's anyone who properly gets how I feel anymore. I have a front a front of yeah I'm a confident dick thats sure of herself and will do anything to get where I want to be.
I'm not a total fake because I will do anything to get there it's just theres only so much you can do before it ultimately becomes up to other people. I hate that! I'm a control freak deal with it.
I have OCD about open spaces they need to be uncluttered so ultimate creativity can occur!!

I'm scared that I wont make it and I feel like I'm shit I'm totally not after attention with this and its a thing thats in the back of my mind that maybe i'm too hard on myself but i feel like a joke.
i feel like when i say i'm going to be an actor people just go oh right and in their head they go yeah good luck with that you're shit!!
I think that as soon as i go back to school i feel like this simply because i feel trapped i'm not saying i'm not having a laugh but making a choice between school or a half working actor i'll take the acting. I'm petrified i'll end up teaching - i have nothing against teachers I wouldn't be in the amazing position i'm in without an awesome teacher and i wouldnt have the experience i have now i wouldnt have the aspirations i do now but i half feel like i've hit a wall and i really don't know how to move forward so i'm crazily going down other ways to find a way through - go into directing go into teching whatever its like im going to attempt anything.
it just feels a bit half hearted though when i look back on it hours later. i'm too like that i just think too much. I enjoy it at the time i have a laugh im into it then im like what am i doing this is crazy.

I wont give anything up though!!! I just take on more! INTENSE its how i live my life maybe its not intense enough. I like it to be so intense i get no time to think!!

I'ma keep bashing out ideas and keep pushing it i just hate distractions.
I hate feeling negative and I hate being scared of failure.
It makes me work harder though!
I WILL NOT FAIL
I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL FIND A WAY TO IN THE FUTURE SHOW MY THANKS TO EVERYONE I NEED TO!
I owe so much to everyone I've met every scrap of advice every negative comment and every positive one is stored in my brain along with useless bits of information about random people connected to the industry.

There are a small amount of people I can count on one hand that I owe this determination and desire for success to but i'm not sure they'll ever get how much i do owe to them.
A wee bit of faith in someone can mean so much and I'm not sure it can be expressed and understood. I'll find a way!

I'm so scared of not living up to what i've set myself.

But anyway i hate mondays!

Much Love x

Friday, 11 September 2009

Media

WELL basically eastenders was lacking! Poor acting from daniella westbrook. Honestly! don't direct her in a crying scene if she can't do it just makes her look RUBBISH! She looks like a pug no word of a lie!
But the little kids in it are awesome. I love the dude that plays Jay he's great!!
AND I love how it was such a typical eastenders cliff hanger with 5 suspects. only its a weak situation to have a clifhanger! you not think? if she was murdered or something it'd be great!
Janine wearing the money - shes an odd girl! LOL
Lucas - hardly a criminal mastermind FINGERPRINTS you idiot!

other than that Eastenders is just odd!!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Of late...

Well having not blogged in like forever - many things have happened

Went back to school - its good and bad
I have an awesome timetable.

This is actually like homework now - In media it means we have to blog! LOL
Yeah so went back and all that, having problems with clothing - not what to wear just what to wear that will be appropriate for the weather and I'm failing epically!

STILL not finished my script.
Its taking a lot longer than i thought - getting sidetracked though!

I chose my song for the music thing - The Box - Katy Perry! AWESOME LYRICS!

Needing to learn a monologue - unfortunately a blog in character won't follow! LOL


I've found that before I went back I thought that the sky was the limit and as soon as we've gone back i've suddenly become a lot more pessemistic. NOT IMPRESSED

Dance tomorrow - should be EXCITING
or an experience for all involved - me dancing = disaster! Christmas show is proof.

Feeling a lot more restricted at the moment and a lot more disjointed - this blog's showing that wayy too many gaps!

just random thoughts that kind of don't fit.

Yeah so going to piss off now next blog will probably a review of eastenders! FRIDAY'S EPISODE if anyone really wanted to know. It better be a good one!! LOL will not be impresed if its just like peggy goes "get out of my pub" and ian goes "just butter one slice of bread instead of two" and max is shaggin someone else. Maybe a storyline with tiffany in it - that girl is beyond cute!! she so wee and ginge then opens her mouth and is so loud! LOL
LOVE

ADIOS

PEACE x

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

in character - a random idea of mine! LOL - this is not me.

well today was cool. I taught Stuart how to blog. he didnt really understand it he really is useless with technology its hilarious. but I suppose he's cute in a weird way. I've not got bored of him as i do most of the time. I mean theyre really sweet but theres only so much you can take before they make you want to kill them. hes different though. he doesnt get technology and hes not very clever but he tries so hard bless him.he took me out today and paid for everything and stuff and not every guy does that. i once went out with one who tried to make out he'd lost his wallet so i'd pay for him. FUCKING CHEEK its not just that but then he whipped it out to buy popcorn! I wasnt impressed. that was before i strated to like geeky boys. you probably think its sad but at least i know they appreciate me. anyway better go Stuart said he'd phone me. I need to prepare myself for 2 hours of his stupid nicknames and I love you's.
BLESS.

I'll probably dump him after a while its get to the stage where i cant take it anymore.
We'll see what happens

x







P.S this blog is not true life - i dont know anyone by the name of stuart who is a geek albeit a cute one. therefore cannot be dumping him.


THIS GIRL IS BEYOND SHALLOW!!

Peace Guys x

Long time no blogging!

So erm yeah. I've not blogged in ages probably should have done.
Went camping with Hannah - it was interesting LOL and experience to say the least and a cold one at that. LOL Why is it that your nose gets so much colder than the rest of your body?
Had a role reversed mock wedding men dressed as women and vice versa. AN EXPERIENCE lol.

Got back not really done much since then. Currently watching Twilight on my ipod LOVE IT I really want a vampire boyfriend LOL! They look so exciting LOL. Basically if i ever met a cool vampire I'd want to be one! LOL

Designed a shoe the other day. Its obviously done by hand so it looks crap but the ideas there need to design the wee fruit on the comp just do they look better! So that's moving along.

Back to school Monday SHIT lol! I've enjoyed freedom too much!
But I'm a changed person I'm a LOT more determined than i was before a lot more opinionated - as if i wasnt enough LOL, I'm a hell of a lot wiser. I've learnt a lot about myself.
More than the fact I enjoy time by myself having spent a long time being able to think life through and stuff I've come to realise the importance of balance. not a general balance a personal one.

I've got more crazy ideas and stuff! They'll never leave me! I love them! LOL
Learnt half a monologue.
Audition friday and sunday.
Eyetest monday

HOW EXCITING! LOL I'll probably get new glasses that i'll never ever wear! LOL

CONTACTS ARE WHERE ITS AT.

Hopefully the auditions will come up with something and then school will be no more! LOL

Loving life! until monday!

PEACE x