i've had an okay day nothing overly exciting nothing overly rubbish. until about 2 hours ago I had an attack of the yr 9 me and I'm petrified I'm moving backwards and become a weirdo again.
I'm shit scared like never before I'm terrified I won't make it my horoscope said "around mid week you'll realise everything you've been working for recently isn't really want you want and you'll have a drastic change"
Basically I'm on this course now this is the path i've chosen for my life so fuck anyone who doubts me.
Fuck myself then yeah?
I'm too focused on the way out future for fear of living in the moment too much and getting stuck in a rut.
Professional stuff has come to a massive halt - the main reason I'm doubting myself.
I'm missing my determination right now and I don't know how to get it back!
"I'm going to be actor"
The massive emphasis on the male form is driving me mad. I don't get what's wrong with me to be honest. I'm afraid of the C word. I don't want anything to be cute and all romantic. I don't want any of that shit. I want to have a laugh. I want to be acting not playing at it. that doesn't leave time for relationships.
I recently thought I'd found someone who really got how i think and felt the same way - turns out he's a dick too. Nowt was ever going to happen or anything but I was happy that it wasn't just me in the world who thinks never seeing the person you're with is great. he just thoguht it was great cos he could fuck as many girls as he wanted.
Reinforced that I'm not up for that way of life as of yet.
So as usual I find myself depressed on a friday night because my life is lacking in living and purpose.
Medway will be my downfall if I don't get out soon.
And i find myself being serenaded by the sound of my fucking mother screaming about fucking money yet again to my fucking dad. If my dad died my mum would still find something to scream at him for!
Want to get out! Want to get away! Want to get a life!
Need to get out! Need to get away! Need to get a life!
Will get out! Will get away! Will get a life!
I will stop doubting myself!