School has been pretty cool awesome timetable of Media, Film Studies, Performance Studies and Acting - you may say wow they're extremely similar but fuck it!! I like it its what I want.
Deep down I'm petrified I won't make it. School makes me feel like this I'm not sure there's anyone who properly gets how I feel anymore. I have a front a front of yeah I'm a confident dick thats sure of herself and will do anything to get where I want to be.
I'm not a total fake because I will do anything to get there it's just theres only so much you can do before it ultimately becomes up to other people. I hate that! I'm a control freak deal with it.
I have OCD about open spaces they need to be uncluttered so ultimate creativity can occur!!
I'm scared that I wont make it and I feel like I'm shit I'm totally not after attention with this and its a thing thats in the back of my mind that maybe i'm too hard on myself but i feel like a joke.
i feel like when i say i'm going to be an actor people just go oh right and in their head they go yeah good luck with that you're shit!!
I think that as soon as i go back to school i feel like this simply because i feel trapped i'm not saying i'm not having a laugh but making a choice between school or a half working actor i'll take the acting. I'm petrified i'll end up teaching - i have nothing against teachers I wouldn't be in the amazing position i'm in without an awesome teacher and i wouldnt have the experience i have now i wouldnt have the aspirations i do now but i half feel like i've hit a wall and i really don't know how to move forward so i'm crazily going down other ways to find a way through - go into directing go into teching whatever its like im going to attempt anything.
it just feels a bit half hearted though when i look back on it hours later. i'm too like that i just think too much. I enjoy it at the time i have a laugh im into it then im like what am i doing this is crazy.
I wont give anything up though!!! I just take on more! INTENSE its how i live my life maybe its not intense enough. I like it to be so intense i get no time to think!!
I'ma keep bashing out ideas and keep pushing it i just hate distractions.
I hate feeling negative and I hate being scared of failure.
It makes me work harder though!
I WILL NOT FAIL
I WILL SUCCEED
I WILL FIND A WAY TO IN THE FUTURE SHOW MY THANKS TO EVERYONE I NEED TO!
I owe so much to everyone I've met every scrap of advice every negative comment and every positive one is stored in my brain along with useless bits of information about random people connected to the industry.
There are a small amount of people I can count on one hand that I owe this determination and desire for success to but i'm not sure they'll ever get how much i do owe to them.
A wee bit of faith in someone can mean so much and I'm not sure it can be expressed and understood. I'll find a way!
I'm so scared of not living up to what i've set myself.
But anyway i hate mondays!
Much Love x