Thursday, 17 September 2009

Things I've Learnt of Late

  • I find public trasport extremely annoying
  • I want more out of life than I'm getting now
  • I don't know what I will do with the life I want once I have it
  • Constant boy dilemas piss me off
  • You never realise how much you missed someone until you get them back
  • Males never grow up they still think it's impressive to say"I shagged 2 girls are you jealous?"
  • I've begun to doubt myself more than ever before

The last poing about doubting myself more than ever has slowly enclosed me more than I could of ever expected.
I don't know why but I just feel like no one will ever see me for anything more than my age and where I live. In my head I'm none of these things and to be honest I don't look like one on the outside only when I'm asked for my age and I don't lie in their eyes you can see the shock then the slight air of patronisation.

I'm stuck in the middle too young for the adult world but too old for the childs world.

Today someone said to me "you're quite posh aren't you" I don't come from a particularly posh background my nans a huge snob if that counts but its not where you're from its where you'll end up that important. I use big words and people tend to zone out after I've spoke for a bit do I care? In my mind its a way of natural selection if they don't understand me then I can't be bothered to explain.

I find that when I'm at school I become very I need a backup plan and I need to think of other things. I tend to sway more to teaching when I'm at school to me though teaching is a cop out its for the people who didn't make it to the end, the ones who gave up. No disrespect to those who didn't quite make it or changed their mind or whatever but it's not me. I will not fail and I will not be a cop out! I will make it to the top of my game and I WILL be the fucking best!

i just confuse people slightly on the outside they see a teenager once they know me they see a middle aged person trapped inside this body. I'm not into trivial games that they play the going out getting drunk and spending the next week recovering just in time for the next one - It's not me!

There are certain people who just don't fit in I'm not sad to say that I'm one of them. Existing outside of societies rules and outside of the box! I just want to spend my life doing what I want and I accept that I don't completely have the knowhow to do it this second and I accept there is more to learn but back in the day you could learn on the job people were more willing to give the kid a chance - that doesnt happen anymore.
I heard a great story about a massive fashion designer hiring a homeless person for a 6 month internship - gave her a place to live and ultimately she because another big person in fashion - putting everything on the line for one person, just because.

I know that in hindsight I will probably look back on today and think why did I worry - or at least i hope I can, but i dont care.

Success is key, but right now I can't find the door!

Much love x

1 comment:

  1. I understand totally where you are coming from. I think the main problem is being stuck in kidulthood. Your main focus needs to be right now. What can you do to improve your now situation. Don't look to far into the future because then it becomes a bigger picture. Live for now.. you've got every opportunity here waiting for you t make it. So its when your ready, it'll evolve for you!